Very, Very Red

I have the worst sunburn of my life.  My husband and I just spent six days in Cocoa Beach, Florida where I learned that I do not comprehend how to use spray sunscreens.  I was better at spraying the front of me.  The back. . . not so much.  There are a couple (a couple, mind you) white splotches where I actually manage to get the spray on me and not to disappear into the air.  So from neck to ankles, I am red.

I should have heeded what the couple next to me said.  After I finished spraying myself, they told me I had missed.  I waved them off.  They don’t know what they are talking about, I thought.  It only looks like I missed because it’s a spray. 

Solarcaine has become my new best friend.  I’ve been alternating between the green goop and the spray (I have fully realized my ineptness so Dave wields the can).  Each bottle says to only use four times a day.  They mean each, right? 

The goop feels like it works better.  However, when you have to use huge globs in order not to have fingers come in contact with skin, it means you will be green.  Shrek comes to mind. 

The spray, on the other hand, feels like it never completely dries.  When we drove somewhere and I was forced to actually sit down (with much groaning, of course, to elicit much-deserved sympathy), I had to peel my skirt off of the backs of my legs when I stood up.  It felt great.  Insert more groaning and sympathy here. 

The last three days of the trip I ate standing up, read books on my stomach, and avoided the sun like the plague—not an easy task in Florida.   Now that I am back home, the redness isn’t so vibrant anymore, but the itchiness has set it.  I have avoided going out because I don’t want to have to tell someone: It’s the sunburn.  It’s making the backs of my thighs itch.  No, really.  It’s true. 

The can of sunscreen boasts quick and even coverage.  Sure, maybe for people who aren’t me. . .  It also says it’s designed to reach hard to reach places.  Ha, got you there.  What about not hard to reach places???  I think before they let you buy it, you should have to pass a test.  It would be like a swim test but for sunscreen.  Then I would not have been able to buy it in the first place.  I would have failed miserably and gone home to hone my skills.  I would have practiced.