Wednesday, April 2, 2014

How to Get Your Kids Ready to Leave the House for a Pool / Picnic Play Date

-Start getting ready an hour before you have to leave.

-Locate the swimsuits.

-Put the swimsuit on kid #2. Tell kid #1 to put his on. (He is bouncing on his bed.)

-Pack the towels, swim toys, and flotation devices.

-Remind kid #1 to put his bathing suit on.

-Pack everyone a change of clothes for after swimming.

-Put your own swim suit on. Avoid the mirror. If that is impossible, stick with a front-on angle. Whatever you do, don't turn to the side to see how much your belly sticks out. That will just send you on a downward spiral and you'll remember how last time you went to the pool, someone asked if you were pregnant. You weren't. Still aren't.

-Raise your arms. Yep, it's a hairy beast under there. Head to the bathroom for a quick dry-shave.

-Close kid #1 in his room and tell him he can't come out until he has his bathing suit on.

-Scrape together some food to pack for lunch. Throw a whole bag of baby carrots in. There's no time to pack individual bags. And let's be real; you're the only one who is going to eat the carrots anyway.

-Fill up water bottles.

-Listen to kid #1. Yep. He has gotten distracted and is now playing with toys in his room.

-Say, "Vitamin Time!" very loudly next to his door, so he'll be more motivated to get dressed.

-It worked! Kid #1 finally comes out. Everyone does the vitamin dance because you bought gummy vitamins. But you have the plain kind you have to swallow. No happy vitamin dance for you.

-Throw your hair into a ponytail.

-Listen to the sound of a heavy crash in living room.

-Come out to find that kid #2 has somehow unscrewed the lid from the mason jar and dumped a crap-ton of water all over the hardwood floor.

-Grunt in exasperation and mumble about not even being able to put your hair up.

-Throw kid #2 into the crib.

-Grab a towel. Enlist kid #1's help because one towel is not enough. Bribe him with being able to put a sticker on his good behavior chart.

-Use three towels to mop up all the water.

-Listen as another unfamiliar noise arises from the bedroom.  Check on kid #2.

-Whoops. You put him in his crib while he was holding a pencil! You now have "art" all over your wall. There's no one to blame but yourself.

It may look something like this:

-Call your spouse and tell him to make you laugh so you don't cry.

-Shoot down his "eraser party" idea. At least he tried.

-Tell kid #1 to put his shoes on and go to the bathroom.

-Chase kid #2 down to get his shoes on.

-Realize the kids found a packet of confetti, opened it and sprinkled it all around the house. You now have tiny stars, moons, and the word "baby" all over the house and on the bottom of your feet. Curse whoever included the packet in a card (you can't remember who) and curse yourself for not throwing it away when you had the chance.

-Round up the kids, the pool bag, the picnic bag, the diaper bag, and your purse. Congratulations. You're ready to go and you're only fifteen minutes late!

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